Daily Dogisms

Dog Jokes
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, “$650.
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”
Things to Remember as a Dog
The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not eat the cats’ food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
“Kitty box crunchies,” although they are tasty, are not food.
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom and dad’s laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for dad’s driver’s license and car registration.

Dog Commandments
Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.
Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.
Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard.
Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises.
Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.
Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.
Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.
Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat’s litter box.

Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (thou has been neutered)
Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.
Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.
Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m.
Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.
Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers
Can’t stick their heads out of Windows 98
Fetch command not available on all platforms
Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side
Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit
Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail”
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing wwwpethousecom instead of working
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee
Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver
Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging
Oh, but they WILL with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, altpicturesmaster’sleg
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms

Why Dogs are Better than Men
More sophisticated fashion sense.
Love to dance.
Willing to sleep on rug and fetch on command.
Spend less time worrying about hair loss.
Old buddies don’t show up on doorstep unexpectedly.
Utterly disinterested in professional sports.
Your parents find them easier to like.
Unlikely to roll over and lose consciousness immediately following intense play.
Top Ten Ways the Miss America Pageant Would be Different if the Judges Were Dogs (from Late Night with David Letterman)
Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat
Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney
New sniffing competition
Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic cones on head
Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges
Winning talent? Throwing a stick
Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat
Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines Burgers
Winner gets to drink out of toilet
Points taken off for mange
Why a Dog Should be President
They work well together.
They work for the good of the pack.
They protect their young & their elders.
They do not kill indiscriminately.
They do not lie, cheat, or steal.
They won’t spend money redecorating the White House.
They do not read newspapers, watch t.v., or give interviews.
Their clothes don’t have zippers or pockets.
They don’t indulge in fantasies.
They can be neutered!
Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog (from Late Night with David Letterman)
Doggy door on oval office
At press conferences, instead of “Mr. President,” reporters would shout, “Here fella!”
Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal
Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
Public enemy #1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker
Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck wagon
Country really run by dog’s smarter poodle wife
Here’s your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking x-mas jingle)
One word: sausage-gate
Top Ten Dog Thoughts (from Late Night with David Letterman)
“I could’ve sworn I heard the can opener.”
“Why doesn’t the government do something about mange?”
“Is there something I’m not getting about Norm MacDonald?”
“I wonder if Toto was gay?”
“Mmm…that filthy standing water sure hits the spot!”
“Hey, no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.”
“I still miss Lorne Greene.”
“Would we dogs have built a vast and complex civilization of our own if we weren’t distracted by our ability to lick ourselves?”
“Please, oh please, oh please let that be the can opener.”
“If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?”
Ways Life Would be Different If Dogs Ran the World (from Late Night with David Letterman)
More Oprah shows about shedding
Presidential candidates more likely to stop in mid-speech and sniff base of podium
Cats must report address to post office every year
Procter and Gamble introduces new liver-flavored Crest
Drinking from toilet no longer a faux pas
Museums filled with still lifes of table scraps
Constitutional amendment extends vote to wolves
TV commercial altered so dog catches and devours little chuckwagon
Monument in Washington commemorates “Our Neutered Brothers”
All motorists must drive with head out of car window

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